Becoming Myself

Me being… me. Look, ma, I have friends!

Once again, I’m trying my hand at blogging; this time, though, I’ve got a clear enough vision for my impractical self to feel dedicated to seeing it through. Starting this moment.

No pressure, right?

Tonight I was watching “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” and, as usual, I was thinking over this grand master plan of mine to create the best blog ever. It’s a daunting goal to set for myself, one which I’m not seriously intent on achieving. (I’m only one person, and I’m pretty sure the Dish would give me a run for my money.)

But still. Everybody wants to be acknowledged, in their own way.

My way just happens to involve getting people to read the hell out of my day-to-day bullshit.

Though I want it to be important bullshit.

Uh-oh. See the problem?

But it occurred to me tonight that what I’ve been striving for is completely stupid and self-obsessed; a goal like that won’t give you the push you need to make something truly worth reading. Something like that may be fitting for a meme blog of-the-moment on Tumblr, but what I crave is longevity and depth, which don’t tend to be the traits of a one-night stand in a wading pool*.

So while I was watching “Perks” tonight and obsessing for the umpteenth time about blogging, and how I should do it, but what should I do it on? etc., a fancy little line came up that immediately made me love the movie**:

“There’s so much pain, and I don’t know how not to notice it.”

Talk about deep.

My previous flirtations with blogging have been a conflict of interest for me. I’m equally a dark-humored person as well as a bleeding-heart cerebral type who wants to not only notice the pain in the world, but to work towards calling attention to it and, ideally, to help alleviate it.

But enough about that crap.

My ever-so-sophisticated humor (I’m a fan of potty jokes) has always been hard to couple with this deep passion of mine to learn about others’ suffering and to devote my professional life to its eradication.

So, guess what?

Achievement Unlocked: New Goal in Life

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be working on integrating my humor into my blog posts. It’ll probably be rocky at first and read like one of the worst SNL scripts you ever did see, but I’m hoping that it’s possible.

My overarching goal for myself is to achieve a high degree of inner peace. Easier said than done, right?

Well I think it’ll be nearly impossible unless I pour my whole uninhibited self into this, the deeply good parts as well as the parts that yearn to tell fart jokes and trip my friends. (Don’t judge.)

I’ve entitled this post “Becoming Myself” to introduce the next month(ish) of posts, which will simply be titled “I’m ______.” For example, “I’m Gay,” “I’m Atheist,” “I’m Currently Wasted Out of My Mind So Leave a Message After the Tone,” etc.

I’m moving towards unabashedly honest terrain, and I’m hoping something good will come of it all. Maybe I won’t be totally barred from getting a respectable job, either! Or is that too much to hope for?

But if I’m not honest about myself, then I’ll only continue to notice pain and never fully face my own, let alone anyone else’s.

They have a name for such a person: a hypocrite.

And that’s the last thing I want to be.

…The second-to-last being a McDonald’s employee.

(Sorry to anyone who works at McDonald’s. You must have problems getting dates.)

*I harbor ill feelings for Tumblr. Can you tell?

**I read the book nearly six years ago and, to be honest, the movie didn’t live up to the hype for me; my high school self didn’t have mixtapes aplenty, or even good friends, so maybe I’m just bitter and wish I had both.